This will be a depressing and shitty one so if that bothers you turn back now you've been warned. Im just so done with the bullshit of heart break and knowing it all too well.I mean I don't even get to have the good part of a "relationship" to make it worth the risk of the inevitable let down and rejection. I try to take it in stride and believe the line about there being the right person out there and I just haven't found them yet...but I'm going to call that for what it really is,wishful thinking and bullshit! I mean I understand that people can have a dry spell, but cmon now five plus years of nothing but rejection every single time, ya I'm just fucking done! I've really come to hate my world because of this,a heart is useless if you can't share it with anyone, and the universe has made it blatantly clear as hell that this is NOT an aspect of life that I get to participate in, and that really just cuts me so deep it hurts to breathe. I hate waking life. Nothing really matters after a while, everything just kinda bleeds together into an empty existance, solitary confinement in a crowded room, and I look around and see all these people with all these options available to them for deep meaningful relationships...and they all just piss em away,just playing fuck and run with eachother! And then they have the nerve to tell me that I'm not missing anything because relationships suck. Well ya its really easy to take something like that for granted when you have all the options in the world available to you, but when you have been completely cut off from that world because there is something different about you...to be told you're not missing anything, its a real fucking kick in the teeth. These years in emotional solitary are really taking their toll on me, and nothing I do seems to help. Its getting harder and harder to feel like there's much point to anything, don't really know what to do anymore, this has just really done me in at this point, I have absolutely no drive or motivation anymore. These people keep telling me oh don't give up there's someone out there for you...bullshit! I gave up. And that really sucks, but honestly after enough times of hearing omg no! I just can't think of you in that way...why bother. Rejection is a motherfucker...and I know that all too well! If I could only find a way to turn off my heart, because I don't need it if I consigned to a life of solitary, if I'm going to survive this I have to find a way to just turn it off. I can't take much more of this.
Ok,so it was the whole famdamily thing,which was uncomfortable at best, I've definitely learned the fine art of seperation...find a quiet corner and do the best you can to blend in with the wallpaper,yes I have also learned to choose my battles, and a house full of conservative christian rightwingers against one tired trans activist is far from even Odds! My one good comment that I got in was that non judgement day is coming.
Life has been happening, its been eating up all my time, and I suppose that is a good thing, protest marches,rallys, two films in the works, I lead a workshop a few months ago on GID, Im starting to get paid to speak at colleges, oh and we are starting a series of fundraisers to come up with the money to do SRS hopefully by 2012...so ya Ive been a busy lil beaver!
sometimes I cant help but think that maybe a year long break from everyone and everything I know would be the best move for me, people are frustrating with their stupid games as if life isn't complicated enough anyhow, all that in mind Ive been doing a good job of avoidance with most people til I figure out what my next move is...left to my own devices if I could I think Id disappear to like France or Spain and not leave contact info for anyone, just work on my art and film in total obscurity and solitude. well thats how I would like it to be but it is an imperfect world so I am stuck here in this artistic wasteland where it is too damn cold for my liking so onward I slog through the idiots and their stupid games...pay no mind Im frustrated